Mental Health Monthly Blog: Learning Discernment

This is the fifth post in a mental health series of posts by Lisa Gray. Lisa is a Marriage and Family Therapist with background in the meeting fellowship, and we are honored to have her perspectives featured here on our blog. 

One of the things that I noticed when I left the meetings was my startling lack of discernment capabilities. This isn’t unique to meeting culture, but it is a hallmark of high-control religions or groups where developing discernment is not encouraged. Discernment requires critical thinking and asking careful questions, which are traits that are often not prized in these groups.

I found myself unable to make even simple decisions. I had never before asked myself what I liked to wear, how I’d like to do my hair, or whether I truly enjoyed a particular kind of worship. That feeling of being untethered in the big, wide world, uncertain of what you are supposed to do, can be frightening.

So how does one develop the skill of discernment or critical thinking? I have several suggestions, but the first and most important is learning to ask questions and distancing yourself from any group that discourages this curiosity. Any time you are trying to make a decision or evaluate information, start by following the basic 5 Ws and 1 H:

Who: Who benefits? Who might be harmed? Who makes the decisions? Who is impacted?

What: What other perspectives? What are  other alternatives? What is the best/worst case scenario?

Where: Where would this be a problem? Where can we get more information? Where will this path lead?

When: When would this cause a problem? When has this played out in the past? When should we ask for help?

Why: Why is this a problem? Why is it relevant to me? Why are people influenced by this? Why has it always been this way?

How: How does this disrupt things? How do we know what is true? How does this benefit or harm us? How can we change it for the better?

These are just some suggested questions to get you started, but you can already see how many of these would have been off-limits to most of us growing up.

Here are some other ideas to consider as you seek to develop discernment:

Be aware of your biases. We all have biases, and they aren’t  necessarily bad as long as we recognize them.  For example, many of us coming from meeting culture would find rock music in a church to be non-spiritual. But why? That’s just our bias, and asking questions like the ones above can help flesh out what we truly think about it.

Be open to new ideas. There’s a lot of real comfort in old traditions, but many of us would say from our experiences that those traditions can be taken too far. New ideas aren’t necessarily threatening; they are just new! Think of them as opportunities for growth and learning.

Seek diverse input. Coming from a homogenous group means that many of us  think the same way, have similar experiences, and talk in similar ways,. Critical thinking and discernment require  stepping outside our comfort zone and engaging with people who are not like us. For example, you might find someone who loves rock music in church and have a genuine conversation about what that experience means to them.

Start with small decisions. If you’re having trouble making your own decisions and deciding what you want, start small. Don’t rush into major changes like a pixie cut or piercings. Start with a necklace that can be removed and see how it feels to wear it out and about. Start with non-permanent, small things with which you can practice gauging your response.

Validate and evaluate across multiple sources. Algorithms tend to feed us information that confirms our beliefs. To truly challenge yourself, explore diverse viewpoints and research that pushes your thinking in new directions. Consider all options before making a choice. 

Practice self-compassion. Stepping out, making new decisions, and starting new traditions is scary. For many of us, a lifetime of being told what to do makes confidence hard to build. This process takes time. Just take one step at a time and be gentle with yourself!