For Such a Time as This: Reflections on Growth After the Ministry

In this post, former worker Darla DenHerder explores the long unraveling of identity and belief that she has gone through over the past decades. She reflects on the two decades she spent as a worker, the slow process of deconstruction that followed, and the three questions she's finally found peace with: whether God called her in, whether He was with her through it, and whether any of it was worth it at all.

After being in the Work for 21 ½ years, I left in 2000. I had gone home to care for my elderly mother, but I also knew I wouldn’t be going back. At that time, I left because the lifestyle was driving me nuts; I was longing for my own space, for alone-time to think, journal, and just BE. I had also decided that NO LONGER were any older brother workers going to make one more decision for my one life on this earth!  

Fast forward 26 years, to just the last few months where I have had some aha moments that have clarified three major things for me:

Question #1, “Did God call me into the Work when I was 24 years old?” As we know, there were basically only two options for a young person growing up in The System; get married or go into the Work. The prayer of Jabez had a profound influence on me when I was in my early 20’s when he asked the Lord to “enlarge my coast.” That prayer was mentioned in a “young people’s” meeting in Portland with the explanation that Jabez wanted more than just an ordinary life in his family. I was passionate that I would not live a shallow life, and so I threw myself into all the expected things for a “sterling young person.”  I developed a quiet time in my very early 20’s where I read and prayed every day due to the persistent encouragement of a friend in town who was waiting to go into the Work. But it was a habit I came to love and still pursue. The “call” started when I was 20-21, and of course I was convinced it was from God. Who else could it be?  My parents did NOT want me to go in the Work, so there was no pressure from that source. I think the main reason they didn’t was twofold: They didn’t want me turning into a frumpy sister worker! And they didn’t want me to turn into a crabby sister worker! I should have listened to them. In July of 1978 I went to preps at Boring, Oregon and the rest was history.

I loved the social side of the Work; preps and conventions were my favorite time of year. I was outgoing. I had some odd co-workers, but never a mean or abusive one. That is not to say that some of them drove me nuts, and I’m sure the feeling was mutual! Looking back, I can see how shallow almost all our visits actually were, AND how tremendously unprepared and unqualified I was as a worker to be teaching ANYTHING. 

I have now a completely different answer to the above question since I have taken a good, long look at the underbelly of the System and even all the lies I uncovered back when I did my own deconstruction process from 2003-06. (I left the meetings in 2006.) God would NEVER call me into a lie. Bottom line. He cannot lie. He ALLOWED me there, but He did not call me. He could not have. But Satan is a master liar. The System itself called me; the pressure from the group, the expectations from people I admired, respected. At that time, the Work was the only avenue I knew of that would allow me to dedicate my life to prayer and Bible study, and that is what I wanted to do with my life. I was majorly deceived in that belief that it was God who called me; just like I was majorly deceived about countless other things.

I let the Work steal all my relationships from me. I let the Work steal my childbearing years. And until the last 2 years I was there, I never preached the true Gospel of grace but preached the party line of the group. I would create a mini-sermonette based on safe topics and always in 3^rd person. FINALLY, I stopped doing that and simply began sharing what God was working on in me personally at the time. I could share something real and relevant.

Question #2: "Was God with me all that time?" Yes, but I don’t believe He is in the group itself; He is in individuals that are there. My recent aha moment about this was a visual about those years. I had clarity and zeal when I went into the Work, but once I became fully immersed in that elite club, the presence of the Lord became cloudy because my focus now was fully on the System, the group, and less and less on the Lord Himself. It was as if I was under water the whole time. He was cloudy and His voice was hard to discern. All those years I was swimming in water over my head even though it was all so shallow; it wasn’t deep at all yet gave the illusion it was. I swam in those waters for over two decades until I finally surfaced gasping for air. Gasping for God. For all of the Trinity. For my life. HE pulled me out of those waters and set my feet on Jesus, the Rock. On solid ground. No more murky water! Yes, it’s been a process. God has redeemed all those years little by little and He has FAR surpassed my prayers in my 20’s for a life of depth. “Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God!”  (Romans 11:33) Having spiritual conversations now that are RICH and DEEP!  The joy of Scripture opening as never before. Seeing outside that group and discovering hundreds of people who love Jesus. And the freedom to simply live MY life and not what the group expected me to live. 

Question #3: “Were all those years wasted then?”  This question has surfaced countless times and especially the older I get. I answer them now, yes and no. I know now for a fact that severing relationships with my family and close friends would never be God’s will unless they were detrimental to my spiritual and mental health. However, those years gave me experiences of life that I now draw on so that I can empathize with others leaving the System and leaving the Work and I have a PASSION to help and support. God’s timing is perfect, so He left me in both of those places for just the right amount of time. No, I don’t have a husband, or kids or grandchildren or a house to live in rather than an apartment. But I have chosen to believe that now that I am where I am “for such a time as this.”