Recognizing Harmful Patterns, Developing Skills, and Choosing Healing Communities

In this blog post, former worker Sheralee Jensen explores how harm spreads, sometimes in unintentional ways, within the ministry environment. 

When Harmful Patterns Feel “Normal”

A realization in my healing journey has been this: people often carry into adulthood, and even into ministry, patterns they learned in childhood, without knowing there are healthier ways to relate. This is a painful realization but also brings clarity. 

In a close-living ministry environment, those patterns can land with real force. Whether the behaviour has a malicious  intent or is done in ignorance, the impact can still be damaging.

A common example: the silent treatment

Some people grow up in homes where the silent treatment is used to control behavior. A child learns: “If someone disappoints me, I withdraw until they perform the ‘right’ response.” That isn’t wisdom. It’s a form of emotional punishment, and it teaches fear, not maturity.

I once heard a story shared approvingly about a parent refusing to speak to a child until the child apologized “properly.” Regardless of how it was meant, this kind of parenting is not something to praise. It’s harmful.

Now imagine that child grows up and brings that same interaction pattern into ministry companionship. Silence becomes a weapon. Or, on the other side, the person becomes exhausted trying to prevent silence by pleasing everyone: a companion, leaders, friends, even God. Many of us have lived some version of both.

Silent treatment is only one example. Other patterns, including yelling, manipulation, constant criticism, nagging, demands, and spiritual intimidation, can also be learned early and repeated later, especially when communities lack language and tools for emotional health.

Skills matter more than labels

Sometimes people are labeled “abusive.” And sometimes behavior is abusive in its impact. But I also want to name a nuance that matters for change: people may not be monsters, and yet they could still be doing significant harm. They may be unskilled, emotionally immature, or repeating what they lived.

That’s why simple confrontation often doesn’t work. Telling someone, “You’re hurting people,” may be true, but it may not be enough to change the pattern. If they don’t know what healthier communication looks like, they need skills, coaching, and accountability, not just criticism.

Why education and guidelines meet resistance

Education and clear guidelines about acceptable and unacceptable behavior would be part of a way forward. But the last couple of years have shown how resistant many ministry cultures can be to learning, guidelines, and change.

And it makes a painful kind of sense: the people most invested in controlling others often object strongly to accountability. When challenged, some escalate because bad behaviour has worked for them before. It’s a way of restoring control.

Naming that pattern is sobering, but it’s also clarifying. It helps us stop blaming ourselves for someone else’s refusal to grow.

Where I’ve found hope

This clarity has supported my healing journey. It helps me practice self-compassion and also compassion for others—without denying what was real.

I’ve been especially comforted by Isaiah 61:1, with its picture of God’s concern for the broken-hearted. For a long time, many of us hoped for healing within the fellowship itself. Increasingly, we’re facing the reality that healing may require new communities: safer spaces where truth is allowed, support is available, and wholeness is taken seriously.

Two short poems by yung pueblo (Diego Perez) are inspiration for me:

heal yourself, not just so you can thrive but to ensure that people who cross your path in future are safer from harm

a hero is one who heals their own wounds and then shows others how to do the same

As I heal, I want my life to become safer for others. That’s one way pain can stop reproducing itself and healing can be shared instead of harm being shared.